How do I make bedtime smoother for my 3 year old? I feel like she can stay up later than me!

Bedtime for a 3 year old is usually a control issue. Often, parents and children grapple with situations like this because the child is an expert manipulator! The best way to ensure the smoothest bedtime is to create a structure and enforce it. Easier said than done, right? For the best outcome, bedtime should be a consistent time. Children should get a 30 minute warning and a 5 minute warning that bedtime is approaching. There should be a consistent ritual before bed, perhaps a bath, brushing teeth, a story, and then lights out. The real challenge comes after the lights out part. If your child continually has “needs” after lights out, the child is attention seeking. Any attention that you give the child will perpetuate the problem. So your task is to figure out how to not give attention. Do you need to go into your bedroom and close the door? Whatever you decide, your child will probably try to intensify his actions for a few days but then will give up and succumb to bedtime.

My 8 year old son’s room is a mess. Shouldn’t he be more responsible?

Responsibility is a learned behavior. Most kids learn to be responsible because they have been taught. Some kids are taught by receiving positive reinforcement for a particular behavior, and others are taught by receiving a consequence for an undesirable behavior. Our kids depend on us to teach them how to be responsible. Some kids try out certain behaviors and receive positive reinforcement so they continue the behavior. For others, the only way they will learn responsibility is when the parents use consequences to enforce a particular behavior. For example, if you won’t come into a messy bedroom to read a story before bed, the child has a choice about whether to clean up his room if he wants a story. In either case, the only significance of irresponsibility in children is that the parent has a task to do. It generally means little about the child’s moral or psychological development, and more about a need for a new parenting technique!

My 7^th grade daughter is being bullied in school. What should I do?

There are several things to consider about bullying, especially with middle school age girls. It is at this time in their development that their peer relationships begin to be very important to them, and so often, the best ammunition for one girl to use against another is their relationship. Bullying is a one-up, one-down situation. Bullies generally bully because they are feeling one down, and the way that they manage those feelings is to make someone else feel one down, which temporarily boosts them to a one-up position. The best thing that you can do for your daughter is to empower her. This is different for different girls. For some, it is having someone to talk to about these difficulties, without trying to fix it. For others, it is involving another adult in the school setting. For others, it is helping them develop a response strategy to the bullying. In any case, your relationship with your daughter can encourage her to feel good about herself, and not see herself as a victim in the situation. Empower her to think of options for the situation and support her in her attempts to deal with her difficulties.

My teenage son is becoming more and more reclusive. Should I worry?

The answer to this question is: maybe. Teens do value their privacy. Your task is to honestly examine other aspects of his life. Have his friends changed? Is his social involvement different than it had been? Have his grades dropped? Does he talk about being depressed? Does he show disinterest in his favorite activities? Have there been changes to his eating or hygiene habits? Does your teen seem to be lying or staying away from home? These could be signs of suicidal thinking or illicit drug use. If you are worried about your teen, get help! Even if you can’t get your teen to get help, go without him. Create a strategy with your teen in mind. Adolescence is fraught with risk, much of which has lifelong consequences. Parenting teens requires new and different skills than you might have used when parenting younger children. Empower yourself to be what your teen needs during this turbulent stage of development.